*Monday, June 3rd, 2002~
some women have easy pregnancies. I am apparently not one of these women. yeah. it might be twins. I'm only 2 months along and can't fit into my pants. Also, right before we left Colorado I got so sick that we went to the Hospital. I couldn't keep anything down including water and soda crackers for 3 days. They poked me with needles lots of times (junkies have better aim and end up with less bruising than i did!) and gave me IV fluid. Turns out I just have unusually severe morning sickness. And 85% of women who get this severe morning sickness have twins. Randall is convinced that i'm going to have twin boys. I'll admit that I would love that. Even thought we're broke and without a place to live. I know that the Universe will take care of us because we are a part of it, and the only reason i'm pregnant is because the Universe knew it was right, and time. I'm still terrified though.

I'm having terrible nesting urges, which sucks because I can't nest here, and I can't really start buying things for the baby besides the occasional sale item at K-mart. I am so tired all the time, and I can't seem to get anything done, which makes me feel like a lazy lump and spawns all kinds of guilt about being a burden, etc, etc. I'm feeling an amazing amount of guilt for all kinds of reasons right now, even though I know that guilt is stupid.

And then there's the puking. This morning I puked up bile and french-fry grease. Just the grease, not the fries. yucky and sucky. And I have a VERY heightened sense of smell, and all kinds of things make me gag and retch. I can smell a gas station about 4 blocks away and have to breathe through my shirt until 4 blocks past it. Oh, and the pooping. Pooping is difficult when you're pregnant because the hormones smooth out your intestinal walls so that everything goes through much slower than normal. I know you wanted to know about that! ;)

And then there's the crying. I cry all the time. About important things sometimes, and about absolutely nothing the rest of the time. I really feel about the same emotionally as I did in Middle School going through puberty. Think about it...that was the last time my body went through such dramatic changes so fast and was so full of new and strange hormones. Because of this, I'm reminded of all the issues and damage that was done around puberty, and those feelings are re-surfacing. I'm looking at it as an opportunity to actually deal with them and heal, but it's a really hard road. I know it's the only way to come out of this ready to be a parent, and so I'm determined to do it right and as maturely as i can. In the same way I felt myself initiating into womanhood at puberty, now I feel myself initiating into motherhood. It's very exciting and interesting. I just have to let myself flow with my emotions and not supress them like I did during puberty. I have to let myself become open, let my heart be open so that I am ready to love my baby(ies) as much as I know I will.

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*Sunday, May 5th, 2002~
I am, in fact, PREGNANT!!! I am apparently the host to a hormone party in my body now. And it's a ragin' party, man! This means that I am very moody, and quick tempered, and basically not taking any crap. For example: today I went a little crazy in the kitchen with the Sharpie labelling food just because my housemate suprised me by labelling the house peanut butter with her name. This was aggravating because being pregnant has made me have severe eating issues and there's not much I can stomach without retching, but I can eat peanut butter and celery. But I didn't need to get all excited and label every thing else in the house with my name. That sort of thing. Also I am experiencing a dramatically heightened sense of smell. My housemates cooked eggs for breakfast. They opened the kitchen window, turned on the stove fan, and lit some insence. I still could smell it, and couldn't open my bedroom door or go out into the hall until about 2pm. And I used to like eggs! Or I'll go to eat something that sounds like it might be good, and when I lift the bite to my mouth where I can smell it, I retch and can't eat it at all. Sucky. Also very bad leg cramps, headaches, backaches, horrible tummy aches, dizziness, insomnia, and I am very tired all the time. There is a weird swirling energy when you put your hand on my belly, in two spots on either side. Randall thinks that it is twins. I wouldn't be suprised. It runs in both of our families.

this is a very happy thing for me, minus the physical suckiness. Having kids has always been my #1 goal and purpose in life. Actually, a big reason I was so depressive for so long was that I was sad that I couldn't have babies yet because I was too young and therefore felt like my life was pointless. This is the best thing ever, and I feel infinitely blessed. We will figure things out....step up to the plate. Do what needs to be done, and trust that the Universe knows best.

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*Somewhere around April 20th, 2002~
peeing on the stick.....

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